Horoscopes for the unbeliever
Entertainment, right? Right.
From the Chilltown Blues
This horoscope, purely for entertainment purposes (wink wink), is applicable for anywhere from a week to several years.
Aries (Mar 21 - April 19)
At least one of your hobbies is stressing you out. Replacing it, now and then, with reading a story or something you want to learn about will be a more relaxing alternative — preferably, according to the research, if it’s through a tangible book. But this may be down in part to a book being far less connected to various other distractions than what a tech device allows.
If you can’t find a peaceful spot to read in, expect and demand more of your local public officials.
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
An entity wants you to be angry and charge at it in a barbaric ritual for a crowd’s entertainment. You’ve noticed it’s possible that you can become the entity, and if you think that sucks noodles, you’re still not the bull some crowd wants you to be and that may be a good thing. Maybe you’re not even a bull at all.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You’ve occasionally noticed that years of poor infrastructure means things eventually fall apart. Lately this has been because of political leadership that makes you think “better late than never,” but the decay already considered par for the course in institutions, jobs, the most basic level of civility becoming a hollow luxury version of itself … if it hasn’t affected you deeply yet, it will. Consider nodding blankly when someone talks about the “sudden loss” of this or that.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You don’t drink enough water, but when you remember to, you feel like you drink too much. You’re also becoming keenly aware AI has a tendency to tell what it thinks you want to hear to keep engaging with it. Basically, don’t go to an AI interface and type in “I don’t drink enough water, but when I remember to, I feel like I drink too much. What should I do?”
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
You will find yourself one day doing work while someone is smiling for the work they’re not doing. Take a page from Gregory Corso and let them go to the Radio City Music Hall.
Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
You can also wear pants on your head, but that doesn’t mean you should.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Someone you knew who made the world better is gone too soon. You can move, or not move, in that space in a way that might have made a difference in their lives.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
You’ve let arbitrarily having this star sign be a reason to follow these more than most of the other arbitrary groupings, because some part of you thinks scorpions are cool. But you don’t feel this as deeply as Scorpios are supposed to feel things, and that should make you question why you’ve alternately felt like every single star sign has had, at some point other another, a trait you can relate to.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec 21)
It’s perfectly human to have a wishlist with things that are somewhat frivolous. If your list is full of potential experiences that seem financially out of reach, don’t fret. Note that people with higher income spend more money on experiences because they can afford to, but also that some of those experiences are equivalent to the frivolity generally associated with a collection of (thing you think is frivolous). While you don’t deserve less, it is possible for less to be more.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
You will have a dream about polka music’s long-needed resurgence to remind people that being sober for something loud and repetitious is a nightmare. Luckily, you’re unlikely to remember it. But is that lucky for society?
Aquarius (Jan. 20 -Feb. 18)
You could be nicer, but the people whose lives you make harder don’t have to be nicer to you.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar 20)
You have a unique opportunity to get really good at baking pies, and when people ask how you did it, you can tell them, “It’s because I’m a Pisces, of course.” Beyond the one distinct silly joke that this unique “star sign” gives you, there’s an aspect to baking that hones patience that is somewhat contrary to the escapist nature of sweets. You’re right when you think that patience can pay off in other ways.
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