Therapist on how to navigate brutal world of online dating
As, pre-holidays, people sign up for dating apps the most, according to data
Sarah Libros is a licensed counselor with Equanimity Counseling, which offers in-house and remote therapy sessions from Blackwood, New Jersey. According to data from several dating apps, the period just before the holidays in December, along with early winter in general, is when people sign up for dating apps the most. In this Chilltown Blues Q&A, Libros answered some questions about how to navigate a format that can really mess with people’s heads.
Online dating is notoriously brutal. What should people undertaking it keep in mind when it comes to trying to put their best foot forward for it?
While authenticity is hard to communicate in an online space, it’s still an important thing to lead with when creating an online dating profile. Focusing too much on trying to present qualities or anecdotes that you think potential romantic interests will want to see is more likely to come across as insincere or too similar to all the other profiles out there. While your profile may not resonate with everyone, you’ll be more likely to feel real connection with those who do respond if you create a profile that feels genuine to you.
Modern pop culture has a lack of patience for any kind of discomfort. It discourages engagement with things that create conflict or meaningful engagement with differing opinions.
When should people maybe not be trying to date online? I feel like a good tenth of people openly admit that online dating is terrible, but the need for it reflects the disconnect of the world we live in, doesn't it?
When feeling particularly vulnerable, struggling with self-esteem, or managing other mental health concerns, I would definitely advise people to stay away from online dating. The nature of online dating means there are so many opportunities to experience real or perceived rejection. Our brains focus on what is most in front of us, and experiencing a disproportionate amount of rejection will naturally impact our self-image. It’s important for people to be realistic about whether they feel resilient enough to remain grounded throughout that experience.
That being said, virtual connections certainly play an important role in our modern world. It’s undeniable that genuine and important connections can be built in a virtual space, however, this can also contribute to growing isolation in the physical world. Even if there are no opportunities for romantic connection outside of the virtual space, individuals may still find a huge benefit in seeking ways, however big or small, to create other kinds of connection in the physical world as well.
Do you think online dating and its quickly swipe left or right (mostly left)-sensibilities reflect in pop culture right now? If so, how? And what should people be mindful of when it comes to passively going with that flow?
Modern pop culture has a lack of patience for any kind of discomfort. It discourages engagement with things that create conflict or meaningful engagement with differing opinions. Likewise, online dating demands that individuals make a snap judgment about others with only a few photos and sentences to go on. It encourages that left-swipe if anything undesirable is spotted. While it’s certainly important to listen to your gut when it comes to knowing if a possible romantic interest isn’t right for you, it is still worth taking the extra time to truly check in with yourself and consider the factors that might be giving you pause before swiping left.
How can people who find themselves without a partner or reciprocating romantic interest engage with the holidays and their tide of relationship-based commercialism? This doesn't just extend to couples, but families as well. Capitalism plus the holidays equals "successful" relationships being ones where people are surrounded by others able to give them emotional and physical gifts.
Are there any gifts that you think people should give themselves during this time? Particularly people who are more vulnerable.
I would encourage individuals to consider what they value about the holiday season outside of the rules/focus created by commercialism. The capitalist lens on the holiday season is everywhere, which can skew individual perceptions. By intentionally focusing on things that are of personal importance and grounding oneself in individual values, people can combat the impact of commercialism on their own mind and thoughts.
More than anything, I would recommend that people, especially those who are more vulnerable, to be gentle with themselves and lean into small comforts during the holiday season.